January 30, 2007

Liberal Chuck Norris

Last Friday, Chuck Norris endorsed someone for president. Sadly, it was Newt Gingrich and because of that, us here at AbovetheDin decided we need to choose a new hero to be an Internet phenomenon. Someone who can combat a man who would choose as a leader a guy who divorced his first wife after her first treatment for breast cancer, while she was in the hospital.

The criteria to be considered:

1. Be able to defeat Chuck Norris in combat

2. Be Liberal

And now the Nominees are:

10. Senator Hillary Clinton

Why she’s number 10: Senator Hillary Clinton would probably not be able to defeat Norris in hand-to-hand combat, but you don’t think she’d let it get that far, do you? She’d have his brakes cut or she’d just shoot him like Indiana Jones. Senator Clinton was able to convince an entire state that hadn’t been living in for long to elect her to the Senate. And she got them to re-elect her and now she is running for president.

9. Brendan Fraser

(Movie promo poster)
Why he’s number 9: Brendan Fraser is a true action star. He has saved the world from a mummy and then again from a mummy. Watch out, he will kick your ass and throw you to a monkey.

8. Matt Damon

(movie promo poster)
Why he’s number 8" He’s been "bourne" again as an action star. He has given some good money to a few Democratic candidates and seems to be a real liberal. He is a Massachusetts liberal who can kick some ass; we always need more of those.

7. Tom Daschle

Why he’s number 7: He needs to do something.

6. Sir Charles Barkley

Why he’s number 6: Listen to the man talk
BARKLEY: I hope you sell a lot of books. And I never heard of "The Savage Nation," don't care about "The Savage Nation." I care about this nation.
SAVAGE: What do you do? I don't even know who you are. I have no idea who you are. What are your qualifications?
BARKLEY: That makes two of us.

"The only reason most people don't like me is because there [sic] life sucks."

5. Jon Stewart
photo by: Norman Jean Roy
Why he’s number 5: This video really sums it up.


4. Rosario Dawson

(Movie promo photo)
Why she’s number 4: Ms. Dawson runs a great political organization called votelatino.org, which works to get Hispanic Americans registered to vote, and she kicks some major ass. What did she do to research her latest role? Dawson and her co-stars joined the real protests during the RNC, followed by cameramen who looked, of course, just like the real news cameramen. (Crooker, in real life, makes documentaries, so he could shoot his character's own footage.) So effectively was this work done that Dawson was actually arrested, handcuffed, and held in jail for nine hours before convincing the police she was an actress playing an activist.

3. The Rock

Why he’s number 9: He is a damn fine cook and an action star. I’m not sure if he’s liberal, though. He walked tall, coached football and beat up other men in shorts; you don’t mess with the Rock.

2 Stephen Colbert

Why he’s number 2: The Man, the Myth, the Legend. A man so powerful he got a bridge in Hungary named after him.

1. Jennifer Garner

(Doanne Gregory)
Why she’s number 1: Have you seen this woman? Garner was the lead role in "Alias," where she played a deadly secret agent. She went toe to toe with Collin Farrell and Ben Affleck in "Daredevil" and then in her own solo role. You don’t mess with her.

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